Failure of the Doofuses
by Rexan
Summary: FOTD is a series of one shots that tosses the crew into random and nonsensical situations. Never has the crew known so many illogical explosions to happen so inconsistently. - Chapter 16: Please, Kind Sir
1. Shopping

_FOTD is what I'll call this fic, since it's a heck lot easier than typing out 'Failure of the Doofuses' every time. xD So, yeah. The summary pretty much says it all. A few more things I'd like to add really quickly, though...  
_

_- Rated K+ for the sake of PG-ness._

_- Curses are replaced with 'bleep' since I don't like typing out cusses. (And, I have a feeling my parents might be reading this...)  
_

_- Don't expect anything to be any good. I'm mainly talking about the ideas here; they're only existent to make people laugh for random's sake. :P  
_

_- I call Zoro Zolo, but the reasons are explained on my profile, so I won't repeat them here._

_- If you're not up to eight (or nine) crew members yet in the series, expect some spoilers as to who joins. :/  
_

_That will be all.  
_

* * *

**Chapter One – Shopping Time! (Not Really)  
**

"Gwaaahh!" Luffy screamed. "_Gack!_ Zolo! Zolo! The bed's eating me! Auuughh! _Hellllp!_"

Zolo opened a single eye and watched Luffy pull himself under the blankets of one of the bunk beds. "Ugh. Be quiet, Luffy. I'm trying to take a nap."

"No, really, Zolo! I'm being eeeeeeaaaateen—Blaugh…" Luffy let out a final frantic yell and gurgle then completely pulled the blanket over himself.

"Idiot." And, then Zolo went right back to sleep.

—

Opening the door to outside, Zolo was on the _Thousand Sunny_'s lawn and let out a huge, exhausted yawn. "Well," he muttered to himself, "time to start training." Before he had the chance to lumber off to the training room, however, Nami stopped him.

"Zolo," she harshly said.

"Yeah? What is it, woman?"

"Where's Luffy? It's an hour past dinner. He's gone."

_Oh, I missed dinner, huh? Ah well,_ Zolo thought. "Dunno. He probably forgot about his Devil Fruit and jumped into the aquarium to try and wrestle an oversized fish again."

Nami sighed. "No. We haven't seen him since this afternoon."

"Beats me." Zolo shrugged. "Check the library. Maybe he's trying to act smart by 'reading,' instead.

"Oh! Wait!" he continued. "He was in the bedroom taking a nap. Maybe he's still asleep."

Robin was walking by, and then she stopped, hearing the conversation. "Oh dear," she murmured.

Bewildered, Nami whirled around. " 'Oh dear,' _what_, Robin?"

"You sent me to buy the new mattresses."

"Yeah…" Nami motioned for Robin to continue. Zolo continued walking towards the ladder that went to the weight room.

"I believe that if Captain-san took a nap and isn't anywhere right now…" Robin trailed off in thought.

"What is it, Robin?" Nami wailed urgently. "What is it!"

"It must've eaten him."

"…Huh? Wait, _what? _How would it have _eaten_ him?"

"You recall telling me to buy the cheapest mattresses, correct?"

"Yeah…"

"I did."

"I _didn't_ tell you to buy them from a crazy magician that enjoys creating carnivorous inanimate objects!"

"You never said not to."

"…"

"Hm. I sure hope Captain-san is okay."

Sanji came bounding out of nowhere. "Ah, my two beautiful ladies! How are you doing tonight?"

Nami was in shock from Robin's information. She answered blankly, "A mattress ate Luffy."

"Hm?" Sanji grinned, blushing at his wonderful view of the orange-haired goddess. "What was that, Nami-san?"

"A mattress ate—"

"Captain-san," Robin finished. "A mattress ate Captain-san, Mr. Cook."

"Eh?" Sanji gawped and his cigarette almost fell out of his mouth. "How does _that_ work?" He looked to Nami for an explanation, but she was already curled into a tight ball on the grass, muttering to herself.

"…Robin-chan?"

"I believe I bought a maniacal mattress from a wizard that needed a couple extra berry."

"Robin…?"

"Oh. Here it comes right now."

"HUH?" Sanji whipped around and saw a white mattress shuffling through the door of the men's bedroom, the door gently creaking open. "_Holy crap!_"

He kicked the door shut.

_BOOM!_

A fierce wave of heat and flame burst from the sides of the door with the mattress's combustion.

"Robin… Where did you get that mattress? And, where's Luffy?" Sanji asked through a stiff mouth; he was looking rather horrified, almost grinding his cigarette in two.

"I don't really remember, and I believe Captain-san was just blown up if he really was devoured." She looked like she was deep in thought over what had just happened, when a faint yell was heard right above the archaeologist and chef… Slowly getting louder…

"aaaa_aaaaa_AAAAA_AAAAA**AAAAAA!**_"

_Thud._

"Or, maybe he just fell from the sky and landed right in between us," Robin suggested.

"Phew! That was a close one!" Luffy sighed. "That huge seagull almost ate me!"

* * *

_-applause for the cruddy ending-_

_Aaaaand... I have no idea what kind of reviews I'm expecting on this, if any at all. :P_**  
**


	2. Reality

_Haha! Yay! This is my first fic EVER to not get a single favorite, alert, OR review before being pushed off the first page! I'm gonna pat myself on the back now, because I know it really IS fail. 8D -pats self on back- -spins around in a circle- -accidentally pokes eye out-_

_

* * *

_**Cruddy, Random Story #2 – Reality, Yo**

One day, a magnificent sparkly half-vampire wolf beautiful teenage girl walked up to the crew on the _Thousand Sunny_ (Where she came from nobody knows…) and grinned a dazzling grin.

"Hello, everyone!" she greeted, giving eye contact to the entire crew but Nami, since everyone knows that Nami's just a bleep that has no significance in the crew except to steal the three hawt g—I mean… um… Yeah. No significance.

_Anyways,_ the next thing this sparkly vampire-wolf said was, "Hi! I'm a Mary S—I mean… _'incredibly awesome person with two Devil Fruit abilities'_!"

She winked towards the two smexier crew members. Who were – _obviously_ – Sanji and Zolo.

"That's really not possible," Robin reasoned.

"WHO ASKED YOU!"

Robin shrugged.

"I would just like to say," Mareh Shuw continued much more calmly, "that having two Devil Fruit abilities – namely a Wolf-Wolf and another one – is just one of the hip and happenin' happenings in the Grand Line, yo." She winked again. Despite the fact that everyone knows there's no such thing as a 'Wolf-Wolf Fruit' and it's actually just a Model of the Mutt-Mutt (or whatever the heck it's called in Japanese), but, hey. Who cares, right?

Robin sighed. "Three, two… one…"

"NOT FAIR!"

Kablammy.

Maree Shrew was gone in an explosion of abrupt reality.

Nami smiled and said, "Reality is much too strong for those monstrosities."

The crew nodded in unison.

"Wait," Franky suddenly said. "Girlie, what exactly counts as 'reality'?"

"Dunno." Nami shrugged (with a glare). "But, reality is a wonderful place that doesn't have _those_ things." She pointed at the sparkling clothing that was left behind from the explosion.

"Yeah!" Luffy agreed, deciding to wrap his rubbery arm around the _Thousand Sunny_'s mast.

Only… his arm didn't stretch.

"Eh?" He pulled it, but nothing happened – it reacted as a normal arm would; no stretching.

"_I'm not rubber!_" Luffy wailed.

The crew gasped in a very dramatic way when Zolo attempted to pick up an absurdly large weight that had happened to be lying around.

It hardly moved.

Realizing what was going on, Robin felt slightly panicked.

"Cien fleur…?"

Nothing.

"Robiiiiin!" Sanji yelled. "You're still beautiful!"

Nami punched him, and even though Sanji fell to the grassy deck of the _Thousand Sunny_, no comical heart-shaped lump appeared on his head.

"_Gaaaaahh!_" Usopp screamed. "I have a normal nose! Chopper! Chop—Huh?"

"Baa."

"Lksdhflkjekhrosaifhs‼"

The crew spazzed. (Except Robin, 'cause she's cool that way.)

Chopper had his fur grown out into a huge, fluffy sphere, making him look like he was in Defense Point, but he hadn't had a Rumble Ball since the last battle! …Which was about a week ago.

Oh snap.

"Gaaahh!" Usopp yelled again. "Franky! Your nose, too! It's not metal anymore! Does that mean—"

"Oh no! My cola!"

Franky tried to unlock his stomach to check on his precious cola, but it wouldn't open.

"Guys… We need Chopper back to normal. _Now_," Nami ordered. "If Franky's 'normal' now—"

"Un-super…"

"—then he probably won't be able to digest the bottles."

Then Franky passed out at the sudden realization of how un-super him not being a cyborg really was. And, since it was the fault of a random fangirl for this whole reality problem, anyways, she wouldn't know that Franky _had_ to be a cyborg. Who actually cares about plots in the first place, right?

"_GUYS!_" Luffy bellowed.

Everybody quieted down.

"Good." He nodded. "Now, as captain here, I declare that—Hey, Usopp, what's 'declare' mean?"

Simultaneous facepalming followed.

"…Anyways! I declare that—Hey! Chopper! You look like fun to jump on!" Luffy rushed over to Chopper and vaulted himself onto the super fluffed out pelt, only to be immediately bounced off, landing with a _thud_.

"Cool!"

"Baa…"

"That's strange," Robin commented. "If this whole thing is supposed to be 'realistic,' then you shouldn't have bounced off."

A cloud of reality poofed into existence around Chopper and then dissipated, leaving Chopper looking—

Exactly the same as he had a second before.

"Baa."

"Aha! Let me try again!" Luffy announced. He launched himself at Chopper again, and this time, he disappeared into the fur, a loud _poomf_ following.

"Woah!" Luffy exclaimed from inside Chopper's fur, voice slightly muffled. "It's like a forest in here! Kaw kaw. K-k-k-kaw! K-kaw! Kaw, kaw! Haha! Imma reindeer!"

"Aaah! Luffy!" Normal-nose-sopp screamed. "I'll save you!"

"Don't go in there! The whole crew can get lost!" Zolo called after Usopp, the latter diving into Chopper at the moment.

Zolo dove in, too, rolling his eyes.

Sanji was suddenly hit by a thought. "Guys? Where's Brook…?"

Robin, Nami, and Sanji all turned, looking at the ground.

There – ignoring the aforementioned passed out Franky – lying on the ground, was a motionless, limp, well-dressed, and sadly… afro-less skeleton.

Sanji collapsed in sadness and horror, with Robin and Nami both looking alarmingly taken aback.

Sanji breathed, "Not even the power of the afro can survive reality…"

And, thus, the rest of the series continued in a terrifyingly boring and realistic AU.

Dun dun duuun.

* * *

_Thank you, everybody, for making this fic SO successful! -flail-_

_Angelic Chior: "So very successful indeeeed..."  
_


	3. Negative

**Cruddy, Random Story #3 – Negative Negative…  
**

Luffy was busy sobbing in the kitchen of the _Thousand Sunny, _an emptied out flour bag pulled over his head; what had been in the bag was lying around Luffy and putting a thin layer of the white powder on the floor.

"I don't deserve to live…" Luffy sniffled. He gathered up a handful of flour and shoved it into his mouth, reveling in how terrible it tasted.

"Ugh… This stuff is horribleeeeee…" The Straw Hat's captain fell over onto his back and continued to be lost in self pity. "I suck…"

The door to the kitchen opened up and Sanji walked in, not yet noticing the mess right in front of him. "Ah, beautiful Mademoiselles, I'll be sure to cook up a lovely snack for y—"

He tripped and stumbled on Luffy and fell onto the floor, grumbling when he realized that he had flour all over the front of his black suit. "Alright, what crap-head left a bag of flour lying ar—Luffy?"

"I deserved that…" he moaned, still lying down.

"Luffy." Sanji stood up and started to brush flour off of himself. "What the heck happened?"

"Please throw me off the ship…" Then Luffy broke up into hiccupy fits of sobbing, face still hidden beneath the bag.

"You did _not_ end up keeping one of those Hollows as a pet, did you?" Sanji glared.

"_Waaaaaaahh!_" Rolling over onto his stomach, Luffy continued to cry.

"Alright. Stop faking it. Luffy, you know the effects of a Hollow don't last this long, right?"

"No…" He ate more flour off the ground.

"And, don't do that!" Sanji kicked Luffy all the way across the room. "That's not prepared yet!"

"Ugh… Sanji… I wish… I wish I could be a sea slug…"

Sanji was shocked; Luffy wouldn't say something like that unless he really _had_ been 'attacked' by a Hollow.

"Hey… Luffy, I could… make you a cake… if that could cheer you up…" Sanji offered, unsurely rubbing the back of his neck.

"If that would make you hap—hap… _Happy! Waaahh!_" Luffy started to bang his flour-bag head on the floor.

"Geez… Now that's just pathetic… And, now I have to make a cake _and _something for the ladies. Stupid captain…"

Luffy sniffled and Sanji rolled his eyes.

"Yo! Straw hat-bro!" Franky burst into the room. "How's it—" There was an awkward pause when he noticed Luffy. "Um… Cook, are you making Straw Hat a cake?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Sanji muttered, pouring flour from a newly opened bag into a large bowl.

Franky felt a grin coming on but attempted to hide it. "Alright… I'll… come back later, then…" He started to close the kitchen's door when Luffy jumped up, beaming and pulling the flour bag off his head.

"Franky! It worked! Sanji's making a cake now!"

Sanji stiffened and immediately stopped what he was doing.

"What did you say… Luffy?" Sanji growled.

"Hey, bro," Franky whispered, "I think I should lea—"

"YOU'RE DEAD! BOTH OF YOU!" Sanji hollered.

—

_Two battered and bloodied idiots later…_

"Franky, do you think I should've waited until we'd both left the room?"

"It's okay, bro. I just—" Franky hacked up some blood that was still in his mouth. "Ugh… Now that's not cool…"

—

"Yohoho! Mr. Sanji! I'm really depressed, too!"

"No, you're not."

"Yes I am."

"No."

"Yes. Look! Oh, woe is me. I'm sooo sad! Sob…"

Sanji rolled his eyes and ignored the skeleton.


	4. Cassemoe

_-flails happily- I got up to 103 views in one day on this fic! -flails again- (That's a record of some kind for me, I think. :P) And, seriously! Thanks for the reviews! I'm now up to more than two reviews per chapter! (That's a good amount for me, too. x3)_

_

* * *

_

**Cruddy, Random Story #4 – Cassemoe**

It was dinner on the _Thousand Sunny_, and Luffy was occupied with poking at his food. The entire crew had already finished their dinner, and that was news, especially since Luffy hadn't taken a single bite yet.

"Luffy," Sanji said, "why aren't you eating that? That's perfectly good food, you know. I put a lot of effort into making it, so y_ou better eat that!_"

The captain hardly glanced at Sanji. Instead, he poked the food again before pushing the plate away. "I don't want it."

"WHAAAAT!" The dining room erupted into a large yell.

"What do you mean you 'don't want it'?"

"_Gaaaaaaah! We're all gonna DIE!"_

"Luffy? Coming down with the I-can't-eat-this-crap disease? It's the end of the world!"

"Usopp."

"Yeah, Sanji?"

_Thwak! Thud._

After a moment of horror, the dining room quieted down to suspicious whispers.

"That _is_ Luffy… Right?"

"I think so…"

"Maybe he's coming down with something."

"It's possible he has an intestinal parasite."

Silence.

"Robin…"

"I was just saying." She shrugged.

—

"Okay, Luffy," Sanji sighed. "What's going on?"

Everyone had left the dining room except for Luffy and Sanji. Luffy had been forced to stay until he finished his dinner.

"Dinner was gross," he pouted.

"That is _really_ not like you."

"…We-e-e-e-ellll…"

" 'Well' what?"

"Well… Dinner was gross."

"Yeah, you just said that, but what was gross about it?"

"We had a cassemoe for dinner."

"Casserole?"

"Yeah. That. And, it had _raisins_ in it."

"Oh. Is that what you didn't like?"

"It woulda been fine without the raisins," Luffy pointed out.

"Everyone liked it, though."

"Not me."

"Luffy, raisins are a _really_ healthy food to eat!"

"Why?"

"Well…" Sanji hesitated. "They're healthy… and, um… chewy! They're really chewy and fun to eat!"

"Oh! I get it! They're like old people!" Luffy beamed at his genius comparison.

"Wai—_What?_ No! I said 'chewy and fun to eat'! Not 'shriveled up and wrinkled'!"

"Ohhhhh… Well, I really wonder what an old person _would_ taste like! Would they taste like so—"

**Head shot.**

**

* * *

**

_Sanji, that's still rude. xP_

_Oh, and, personally, I don't like raisins much. x) Sorry, Dandy Wonderous, (if you're reading this...) because you kinda used raisins in one of your fics, too, didn't you? :P__ But, seriously. Raisins ruin food._**  
**


	5. Pickle

_**Woo woo!** It's chapter five, yeah! Yay! I'm almost to ten reviews! **Woo!** (I have such low aspirations, it's pathetic. xD)_

* * *

**Cruddy, Random Pickle #5 – Pickle**

Luffy was proudly striding around the lawn deck one day, as he had some amazing news he wanted to tell his nakama. The first person he saw was his napping crewmate Zolo.

"Oi! Zolo!" He bounded over. "Guess what?"

"What…?" Zolo grumbled, hardly opening one of his eyes.

"I really want to moo like a pickle," Luffy grinned.

"Moo…? Like a…?"

"Yup! And, did you know that they burp, too?"

—

"Hey! Robin! Oh, man. How I wish I could meow like a pickle…" An oblivious smile spread across Luffy's face.

Robin raised an eyebrow but didn't look up from her book. "Congratulations, Captain-san."

"Thanks, Robin! But, did you know that they fart, too?"

—

"Ah! Nami! Guess what guess what guess what!"

"What." Nami was already annoyed.

"Don't you just think it would be _amazing_ if I could fly exactly like a pickle?"

"Fly like a…? No. Not really."

"Oh…" Luffy's smile fell for a moment but then it came right back when he remembered another 'fact' about pickles. "I'll bet you didn't know that they _poop_, too!"

Nami gave Luffy an absolutely bewildered look.

"How cool, right?"

"…"

"Yup."

"…"

"I like pickles…"

"…"

Luffy flashed Nami a large, overjoyed smile and nodded his head. "Yeah!"

"… … …USOPP!"


	6. Loser

_I apologize for the last chapter. :D It was really bad. :D -grin- -not really apologetic at all-_

_Oh, and this chapter is a slight AU, I guess. :P  
_

* * *

**Cruddy, Random Story #6 – Wii Have a Loser**

"Oh, sorry, Franky! Fifth time you lost! It's Brook's turn now!" announced Usopp.

"No, it's not! That was a cheap shot!"

"Um… Not really…"

"Yeah, Franky," Zolo agreed. "You've lost more than me, and now Brook wants a turn."

"DANG IT!" Franky stormed off, and Brook warily walked up to the Wii, daintily picking up the remote.

"Are you sure this is okay…?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah. Franky's just a poor sport is all," Usopp huffed. "Of course he couldn't share my _mad skills_ for this game."

"Come on, Brook! I want you to play, too!" Chopper said.

Brook unsurely shrugged and sat down.

_TMP-TMP-TMP-TMP._

Franky stomped back into the room, turned off the Wii, and went away again.

Everyone in the room stared after him.

"Hey, uh… Mr. Usopp, did he just turn off the console?" inquired Brook.

"Yes, Brook, he did." Usopp turned around and stared at the Wii's orange light that was green only a moment ago. Then he looked at the TV's blank blue screen. "What was _that_ for, Franky!"

An angry snort came from just outside the room.

"Whatever," Zolo sighed. "Just turn it back on."

Usopp nodded and pressed the Power button. The light turned to a friendly green again, with the TV at 'Press A to continue' a second later.

"_Raaah!_ Don't turn it back _on!_" Franky was suddenly in the room, stomping his foot.

"Why _shouldn't_ we, Franky?" Zolo retorted.

"Because—because… because… You guys are so unfair!" Franky jammed his huge finger onto the Power button again and then unplugged all of the wireless GameCube remotes' connectors; unfortunately, that's what everyone was using to play the game they had been.

Then he was out of the room.

"Frankyyy-yy!" Chopper sobbed. "I'm sorry! I-I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I'm sorryyyy!"

"Oh, Mr. Chopper, don't feel so sad. I'll sing you a song!" Brook offered.

"R-really, Brook?" Chopper sniffled and wiped off some snot that had started to drip out of his blue nose.

"Sure!" After clearing his throat, Brook began, "_Oh, ohhh, ohhhhh, my littllllle sweet tart! Please, oh please, do… not cry. I… wiiill…_" He was starting to escalate how high the notes were with each word. "_...give… YOOOOOUUU…_" Then he was quiet again and continued in a more hushed voice. "_...a sweet… potato, sweet tart._" After that line his shoulders sagged and Brook tilted his head, like he was realizing something. "Hm, never mind," he added. "Sorry. That will just make you fart."

"Hahahahaha!" Chopper burst into laughter, with Usopp following in suit. Zolo couldn't force back his smile.

Brook's jaw alignment changed a bit, which was as close to smiling as he could typically get. Seeing his new nakama enjoy that song made him really happy; it was one he used to sing as a Rumbar Pirate to cheer up anyone that needed it… using a different variation every time, of course.

Thundering punches pounded against the room's walls.

"Be quiet, Franky!" Zolo shouted.

"_You _be quiet!" Once again, Franky came into the room, but this time he unhooked all the wires that connected the Wii to the TV and chucked them to the other side of the room.

"Franky!" Zolo roared. He quickly stood up to confront the cyborg. "Stop doing that!"

"Doing _what_?" Franky mockingly replied.

"Ruining the Wii!"

"It's perfectly fine," he sniffed.

"We still want to play it, you know!"

"Really?"

"Really! Now give those _back__!_"

"No."

"_Franky!_"

"WEAPONS LEFT!"

Usopp shrieked, Chopper shrieked, and Brook shrieked, too, all diving out of the way. Zolo braced himself for the blow, but—

_BOOM!_

The attack hit the Wii, blowing it up in a much-larger-than-you'd-think-it-would-be explosion.

"Hmph."

And, before anyone could realize what had just happened, Franky was leaving again, with frustrated, pulsing veins popping up all over his face.

* * *

_Brook's song was Oda's song he "used to sing with his friends" that he wrote for the volume 46 author's note.  
_

_Oh, Franky was only hitting the wall hard enough to be loud; of course he wouldn't harm the _Thousand Sunny._ Isn't that right, Franky?_

_Franky: "Yeah, that's right. Oh, and Zolo SUCKS at Brawl."_

_Zolo: "Shut up! You lost to _me!_"_

_The AN... will end here..._


	7. Insultation

**Cruddy, Random Story #7 – Maximum Insultation  
**

_Hm. Doctor-san's just disappeared. How strange,_ Robin thought.

Robin and Chopper had just gone into a very large mall; there was a sign up front that listed many popular bookstore names and Chopper was immediately excited, so – after asking Robin's permission – he rushed straight in.

After stepping inside, Robin realized how immense the mall really was. But, instead of worrying too much about where Chopper had gone, Robin shrugged off any worrying thoughts and went into one of the bookstores herself. A very thick book had caught her attention, and she wanted to get a better look at it.

As she was walking in, a man who was passing her stopped. His jaw dropped when he recognized who she was.

"Nico Robin!"

She ignored him.

"I know you!"

Ignored.

"Stop walking!"

Still wasn't listening to him.

"Augh!" The man almost pulled his hair out in frustration and ran after the woman, stopping a couple yards in front of her. "Nico Robin! What are you doing in here!"

Finally, Robin stopped walking. "I'm going to buy some books."

"Don't you 'I'm-going-to-buy-some-books' me! I know why you're here!"

"Oh?"

"Yeah! You're going to…" He paused. He hadn't thought out what he was going to say, because he really didn't know much about her. "You're going to, uh—"

Robin was walking away again.

"Hey!" He took off after her. Once he'd stopped in front of her again, he yelled, "Will you stop doing that!"

"Doing what?"

"Ignoring me! Okay, I know what you're going to do. You're going to… _steal_ the books! Yeah, steal them and not pay for them."

"Now, why would I ever do that?"

"You're a filthy pirate."

"Ah."

"Yeah, and… _Your face is very convenient!_ I mean, _not_ very convenient! Yeah! Now I've insulted you, and you're going to be crippled with sorrow." The man nodded pompously.

"Well, I'd like to say something, too."

"What?"

"Your face isn't very convenient, either."

"…!"

And, with that, Robin walked off again. Luckily, she saw Chopper passing by outside the store; he was cheerfully whistling and his blue backpack was bulging with books he'd already bought.

"Ah. Doctor-san," Robin said, exiting the bookstore.

"Oh! Hi, Robin!" Chopper grinned. "Look at all these books I found!"

"Good job. I'd like to head back to the _Sunny_ now."

"Hm? Why?"

"Because I believe we're surrounded by idiots."

"Huh?"

Robin pointed to the man she'd been talking to in the store, who was still gaping at the spot where Robin had been a minute ago. Then she swept her arm towards the ceiling. "There's idiots up there, too."

A dozen bounty hunters or so were all wearing Octoshoes™, attaching them to the ceiling. Along with that, they also had guns pointed at the two pirates below them.

"Would you like to leave, Doctor-san?" Robin asked again.

"_Aaaaaaaaaaah…!_"

"Oh, there he goes."

* * *

_Octoshoes are Usopp's idea; they're trademarked, of course. 8D_


	8. Huh?

_Based on a random conversation my sister - Fishypaste - and I had._

_

* * *

_**Cruddy, Random Story #8 – Summary of Manga  
**

Most shonen manga tend to start out nearly identical, or at least it seems like they do. After that, they start to swerve from the same path they're all treading on and go in different directions once the main character(s) has/have been introduced.

However, _One Piece_ climbed to the peak of Mt. Everest and is going higher, but _Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo _reached Mt. Everest, made an escalator to the other side of the world, and then turned into a pig and flew away. Then it died, reincarnated as a bug, made its way into the ground, planted its roots, and grew.

—

"What _is_ this crap!" Nami shouted. " 'Planted its roots and grew'? That doesn't even make _sense!_"

"Well, _Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo _doesn't make sense, either, sis," Franky pointed out.

"I'm sure it makes more sense than your description of it!"

"Ah, well, you _might_ be right."

"How—I mean, of course I am!"

"_Bobobo_ has a plot. Sort of."

"By the way, why did you mention the One Piece like that? You wrote its name like it's a manga instead of a treasure we're going after."

"That was becau—Huh. I don't remember why. Oh well." Franky shrugged and left the dining room.

"That was… weird," Nami mumbled to herself, looking at the short essay sitting in front of her. "Why did he write that, anyway? …Whatever. He's a weirdo in the first place."

* * *

_Yeah. I have no idea. :D Happy Monday! (Or Tuesday. Or whatever day it will be when you read this. :P)_


	9. WHAT! ?

**Cruddy, Random Story #9 – _What the Crap is it, Luffy?_**

Luffy was sitting in the _Sunny_'s dining room, prodding his toes, and Sanji was busy scrambling some eggs, making omelets, and preparing lots of sausage and bacon for breakfast – all at the same time. It was pretty early in the morning, and no one was even awake yet except for them.

"Sanji?"

"Yeah?"

"Sanji?"

"Yeah?"

"Sanji?"

"Yeah?"

"Sanji?"

"What?"

"Sanji?"

Sanji slammed down the pan with the omelets in it and turned to Luffy. "What the heck is it!"

"Sanji?"

"_What!_" The cook glared at his captain.

Luffy stared at Sanji; he didn't even look like he had anything to say.

"Oh, so now you're not going to say anything?" Sanji growled, biting his cigarette in two. Half of it fell to the floor. "Great job, Crap-Captain," he ground out while looking down at the stub.

"…Sanji?"

"WHAT THE CRAP DO YOU WANT!"

"My toes are bony."

Sanji smelled breakfast start to burn, so he spun around and started shifting the eggs around again. "You made me lose my cigarette and almost ruined breakfast… just to tell me… your toes are _bony_?"

"I guess."

"You. Are. A. _Moron._"

"Thanks, Sanji!" Luffy beamed.

"That's not a compliment."

"I can't have ketchup with my eggs?" Luffy was suddenly disappointed.

"I never said anything like that!"

"But, you just said 'that's not a compliment,' so that means I can't have ketchup now, right?"

"Huh? Do you mean 'condiment'?"

Luffy was wriggling his toes and prodding them again. "Yeah, I guess I do."

There was silence for a while, and all that was happening on the _Thousand Sunny_ was Luffy wriggling his toes and Sanji preparing breakfast. The rising sun cast a welcoming orange glow in the kitchen, and Sanji glanced over at one of the windows. "That's nice," he murmured, thinking of how romantic it would be if he could get Nami or Robin to watch such an amazing sunrise with him one day…

"Sanji."

"Screw it, Luffy! What the heck! Is this about your toes being bony again?"

Luffy nodded.

"Why should I _care?_"

"Hm… Dunno."

"Then shut up."

"Sanji."

"_Augh!_"

"Come over here and feel my toes. They're really weird…"

"_No!_ I will not. Touch. Your. TOES!"

"Why not? You have ten of them."

"Yeah, I have ten of _my_ toes."

"Uh-huh! And, I have ten, too!" Luffy announced.

"Yeah. I know."

"Sanji."

Sanji turned off the stove and got out several plates. He sighed. "What…?"

"Why won't you feel my toes? Everyone here has ten. It's not weird."

"Luffy, Chopper has hooves." The cook was doing his absolute best to try and get himself out of that conversation and maybe, as a bonus, convince Luffy that he _didn't want to touch his toes_ at the same time.

"Yeah, but he's an awesome reindeer with seven transformations. _Now_ will you touch my toes?"

"No."

" 'No'?"

"No."

"No…"

"Yeah."

"You will?" Luffy suddenly jumped up in excitement.

"NO!"

* * *

_I don't even know what to say about this one. x)  
_


	10. M Shnoo

**Cruddy, Random Story #10 – Mary Sue; Codename: Mahbee Shnoo**

Golden, luxurious, silken hair, flowing in the wind as gloriously as it was golden, luxurious, and silken.

Eyes… eyes that could have belonged to a wolf or fox, piercing into the souls of whomever looked her way. And, yet, smexy enough to still be… SMEXY!

Me? Well… yes. I am that girl. Long ago, I discovered my ability, the ability to turn into… my spirit animal. I also discovered my ability… my ability to control all four elements…

Wind-fire-water-wood-rock-llamas-cheese, fire-water-wood-llamas-wind-rock-cheese, llamas-wood-fire-rock-water-cheese-wind, and even the greatly eluded element of…

Alpacas.

—

I was standing at the edge of a large cliff, overlooking the ocean. Unbeknownst to whomever meets me, I can swim, despite mastering what seems so much like a Devil Fruit ability. My golden, luxurious, silken hair was flowing behind me in the strong sea breeze.

Somebody walked behind me, and there was a disturbance – something… was off.

Then, I realized what was wrong, what the disturbance was.

There was a strong wind coming from them… an overwhelmingly powerful force of…

Bean burrito.

—

One day, when I was in the amazingly striking form of a previously undiscovered animal that also happened to be my spirit animal, I was gliding through the sky, observing the ocean and looking for any signs of disturbance.

The first thing I noticed was a ship that had a large, billowing sail, joyfully flaunting its pirate symbol – a jolly roger, grinning, wearing a straw hat on its skull head.

I swooped down towards it and daintily landed on the ship, my paws hardly touching the grassy deck before letting my wings fold up and returning to my normal human form.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!"

A fuzzy brown puffball was screaming its head off, bright pink top hat on top of its head.

"IT'S A MONSTER!"

"Now, calm down, little raccoon…"

"I'M A REINDEER, YOU BLEEP!"

"Excuse me, raccoon-reindeer, but I would like to meet the rest of your crew," I said politely.

But, then before the little raccoon could scream anything else, a guy walked out of a room that was straight behind me. I whirled around, ready to defend myself with a fearsome wave of llamas-wood-fire-rock-water-cheese-wind, but then I realized he wasn't like any of the other pirates I've encountered before and brought to justice.

He was…

_Hawt._

He had bristling green hair, resembling a strong, tough cactus, and he was so buffcular and amazing, I couldn't help but faint just at the mere sight of him.

—

"Hey, she's awake."

"Get her off the ship. She's another one of those _things._"

"Aw… She's probably a good cook like that other one, though…"

"Doesn't matter. Get rid of her."

"Awwww…"

I blearily opened my eyes to see a group of random people… and some… hawt guys… looking down at me. Some of them had looks of disgust; others looked torn as what to do.

"Well, _are_ you one?" the green-haired guy snarled, glaring down at me.

"Am I a what?"

"An overly-glorified bleep."

"Ah… Well…" I trailed off for dramatic effect.

"She is."

"Get rid of her," a darker-haired woman spoke up. She had a perfect figure that rivaled even mine! I'd soon fix that…

Oh, no! And, there's another one! Another girl – this one with orange hair and yet somehow her face wasn't extremely freckled – with an overly busty figure! Nearly more guy-attracting than mine! I'd show all of them… I'm the only girl in the world worth guys swooning over! And, that's only the truth!

Immediately, I jumped off the bed I was lying on to show off my ability to transform into my spirit animal and maybe show them my ability to summon the four elements, too, while I was at it!

First, pure white wings unfurled from my back, very glamorously and elegantly, of course, and then a single, beautiful, sparkling horn swirled out of my forehead while furry red ears sprouted from my golden, luxurious, silken hair. They're very smexy. (_Wink._) Then, my teeth sharpened, my spine lengthened as a fluffed out grey tail emerged, and…

My transformation… was complete.

There was a deathly silence from my crowd of admirers. They were suspended in a stupor, shocked by my amazing glory, I was sure. I beamed a dazzling grin, shocking them even further with my amazingly well-formed wolf teeth.

"Hey, uh, guys," somebody finally broke the silent curse – a hideous long-nosed freak. "What the heck _is_ she?"

"How dare you!" I snapped at him. This was ridiculous! Who was this man not to be awed into submission!

"This," I explained, looking at my green-haired hero, my eyes filled with pure love, "is a winged unicorn kitsune wolf."

The green-haired man scoffed. "Most ridiculous one I've heard yet."

Another voice called out, "Hey!"

I looked over to where it had come from. It was a guy with black hair, wearing a straw hat. And, what was this? A scar under one of his eyes? Oh… how romantic… He must've been the smartest of them all… And, the bravest…

"Can you cook?" he asked.

"Um…" I stammered at this question. How should I reply? Tell him I can? But, of course I can! I can do automatically _anything_ with more skill than even the pros that have worked their entire lives on a certain skill!

"Yes," I finally replied. "I'm the best cook in all the Blues."

He gasped. "Guys! We _have_ to keep her!"

I beamed a toothy grin. If I was lucky, I could win him over as well as I had the green-haired one!

"No," another guy spoke up. Oh, man… This pirate ship… Three hot guys in so little time… This one had blond hair, and it was draped over one of his eyes, making him a mystery to anyone, I'm sure. And, a curled eyebrow above his visible eye? There was some romantic story behind that, I was absolutely positive, but, of course, that made him all the better looking, as well. That, and the fact that he was smoking a cigarette.

Guys that smoke are always so hot…

"Sanji!" the orange-haired girl gasped. _Just let her die… _"You want to get rid of her?"

"Yes," he said stiffly. "She's a fraud."

A fraud? How _dare_ he!

There was a disappointed groan from the boy with the straw hat. "Dang it, guys… Really? We can't let her cook just one meal?"

"No." A unanimous reply rose from every last person in the room.

"Oh, but do you think she would mind," a random skeleton with crazy, poofy hair said, "if I took a look at her panties first?"

"NO, BROOK!"

—

And, so, there's my sad, sad story. After that, they attached a ten billion million ton weight to me, and my dear green-haired love dropped me into the sea.

Tough love… Oh, how I wish I had known you better, my mysterious green-haired man…

—

Mahbee Shnoo reached the seafloor, still alive, because her kitsune ears allowed her to breathe underwater.

_Phew. That was a close one,_ she thought. _Those smexy men almost got away from me. Now, all I have to do is unattach myself from this wei—_

Then the weight blew up.

The end.

* * *

_Longest chapter yet in FOTD. Should I be worried? And, the bean burrito thing was something I've wanted to include with a MS thing for so long... Hur hur... :B_


	11. Pokédex

_Aw, daaaaang. Apparently fanfiction's new server gets rid of 'compound words' like face-butt-fart-poo or something if it doesn't have a dash and it's just one word. So, some people don't know what the other three elements M. Shnoo can summon! A few people missed them (I edited them in last night), so here they are:_

_Wind-fire-water-wood-rock-llamas-cheese, fire-water-wood-llamas-wind-rock-cheese, llamas-wood-fire-rock-water-cheese-wind._

_Well, enjoy the cruddiness of FOTD number eleven! ^^  
_

_

* * *

_**Cruddy, Random Story #11 – Pokédex  
**

There was a beaver-like creature standing in front of Luffy; large buck teeth protruded out of its dark brown muzzle, and it had something that resembled a beard lining its chin, only it was a row of a tiny, curly spheres made of its fur. The tail seemed quite similar to its beard as well.

"Wow! A beefur! I've always wanted one!" Luffy exclaimed. "Oi, Pokédex, what's the name of that thing?"

"_Bidoof_," it announced in a flat voice. "_Plump Mouse Pokémon_."

" 'A plump moose'? _Awesome!_"

"_No. It's a 'plump mouse'—_"

"I want it! Get over here, plump moose!"

Luffy chucked a normal red and white Pokéball at the beaver-moose-mouse-whatever creature and caught it, promptly nicknaming it 'Mini Moose'.

The Pokédex sighed.

—

"Oh, so cool!" Luffy grinned. "What _is_ that thing!"

A small otter was standing up on its hind legs, several yards away from Luffy. It had a yellow life ring around its neck, a tail half its height that split into two tips, and a tiny blue fin on each of its arms.

"So _coooooool!_ Hey, Dexy, what is it?"

"_Buizel_," it said. "_Sea Weasel Pokémon_."

"…What's a 'sea weagle'?"

"_Sea Weasel_," it repeated.

"Yeah, but, the thing is, I dunno what a 'weagle' is."

"_Sea. Wease. Ull_," it said again, very slowly.

"Ah!" Luffy realized. "A weasel! Why didn't you say so sooner?"

The Pokédex sighed and then continued, "_Buizel. Sea Weasel Pokémon._"

"A weagle? Where!"

"_It's a weasel! I said that already!_"

"You did?"

"_Yes!_"

"Oh, sorry."

There was a pause, and now the strange little weagle had noticed the black haired boy and screaming red rectangle. It perked up and its split tail twitched, anticipating the need to run.

"Well, Dexy, do you think I can catch the weagle?"

"_For crying out loud, it's a WEASEL! WEASEL, WEASEL, WEASEL, _**WEASEL!**"

"Oh, that's right. Forgot. Sorry. Weagle sounds better, though, dontcha think?"

"_No!_"

"Why not?"

"_Because it's a _weasel_! Not a '_weagle_'!_"

"Really?"

"_YES!_"

"Haha, you spaz a lot, don't you?"

BOOM.

Red debris and some computer chips flew out of Luffy's hand, leaving only a charred bit of plastic left in his palm.

"Oh. Bye, Dexy." Luffy frowned. "That's the third one this week… Sorry."

The Buizel took the explosion as its signal to leave.

"Aw, man! Come back here, weagle!"

* * *

_Tis an AU, suckas. xP_

_Oh, and, if you celebrate it, happy Thanksgiving. :D (PIE FTW)_


	12. Random

_You know what's strange? _One Piece_. But, that's not what I was going to say. I was going to say that whenever someone asks me who the first _One Piece_ baddie that comes into my mind is, it's Don Krieg._

_Strange, right?  
_

* * *

**Random, Random Story #12 – Random  
**

One random day on the random _Merry Go, _random Luffy found the random Baratie!

"I'm going to eat random food!" he announced in a random way.

"Sure, eat whatever random junk you want to, Luffy," random Nami sighed.

Luffy grinned a random grin.

But, then a random Marine ship sailed up to the random _Merry Go._ "I'm going shoot a random cannonball at you, random pirates!" the random pink-haired guy on board it said.

"Random NO WAY!" random Luffy yelled.

They shot the random cannonball anyway.

[Random] BOOM.

Luffy had deflected it into the random roof of the random Baratie instead of back at the random Marine ship.

"Random oops."

—

Seeing a random pirate that was hungry for a random reason being fed by a random cook, random Luffy decided, "I'm going to make you my random cook on my random pirate ship!"

The random cook yelled, "Random NO! I'm not going to join a random pirate crew where I'm going to make random food! And, I won't listen to you, random Baratie servant random!"

Luffy stuck out his random tongue.

—

Random Don Krieg sailed out of a random nowhere.

"I'm hungry for a random reason!" random Krieg wailed.

"I'll give him random food!" the random cook that fed the random pirate yelled.

"Yay!" Don Krieg was happy random random and he ate random the random food.

Then everybody on the random Baratie burst out with an…

"LOL"

Randomly.

* * *

_This seemed a lot funnier in my head.  
_


	13. Worm

_I use a small container that I put slips of paper in to decide what happens to who typically. There are ten slips of paper: each crew member has one and the last has 'random' on it. Sanji had an especially bad streak, and, so, this is the start of..._

_SANJI TORTURE MONTH._

_Enjoy! 8D_

_

* * *

_**Random, Cruddy Story #13 – Slimy Baby Worm Thing  
**

It happened to be Zolo's naptime during when Luffy decided to dig especially deep into his nose. Once Luffy's index finger was brought out, he realized he'd really found something fantastic up there.

Maybe it was his brain.

Or maybe not.

Maybe he doesn't have one.

Who knows.

Now, enough with this rambling.

Why'd you even get me started, anyway? Sheesh.

Anyways, Luffy figured he needed to show someone his amazing discovery of what had been living in his nose. Sadly for the resting swordsman, that 'someone' happened to be him.

"Oi! Zolo!" Luffy called. "Guess what!"

Without even opening an eye, Zolo murmured, "What? If this is going to be anymore of that 'pickle' crap, I won't—"

"No, no, it's not! I want to _show_ you something this time! It's nothing I want to tell you at all, really. I just want to show you… _this!_"

Luffy forced his index finger into Zolo's face, but it ventured a bit too far – it ended up smacking Zolo right in between his eyes.

It was warm, slimy, disgusting, and—

"_Augh! Luffy! What the heck!_"

Zolo had already jumped up from his sleeping position, fully awake and glared at Luffy's index finger. Luckily, nothing had stayed on Zolo, but what had just happened was enough to completely repulse him.

"I just wanted to show you this baby-maggot-worm-creature-thing I found!"

Looking down at his still-crouching captain while feeling the mildest case of nausea, he noticed what was on Luffy's finger: A big, fat, globby, neon green slug of mucous.

"That's _disgusting!_" Zolo yelled. "That came from your _nose?_"

"Yeah. It looks funny, though, doesn't it?" Luffy held it above himself, inspecting it more carefully. The booger was starting to slowly ooze off his finger…

"Throw it away, Luffy!"

"Oh… Are you sure?" he sulked.

"Yes!" Zolo was in total spaz-mode.

"Aww… Goodbye, Baby-maggot-worm-creature-thing…" he sighed. He brought his other hand up to the finger and aimed it off the side of the ship.

"Goodbye," Luffy breathed after flicking it off.

**—**

_Splat._

"Hm? What was that?" Sanji muttered, walking out of the aquarium room; in his hands was a basket with a school fish that he was going to cook for lunch. He looked up at the sky, but it was perfectly clear. "Meh. Whatever."

—

It was lunchtime, and everything was prepared. Everybody was walking into the dining room, delicious smells wafting from the heaps of food Sanji had prepared. "Good afternoon, Mademoiselles," he greeted warmly to the two ladies of the crew, and then he briefly nodded when the rest of the guys walked in.

Sanji couldn't help but realize, however, the way everybody kept glancing at his head.

Nobody was saying anything, and it made him nervous, like there was a spider in his hair and they weren't going to tell him.

Finally, Zolo burst out laughing. "Hey, Frizz Boy!" he said. "Notice anything in your hair yet?"

"Huh?" Sanji wiped his hand over the top of his hair and felt something dry and crusty in the middle of it. "Oh, gross…" He started picking at it to try and get it off, but it was dried really well.

"GAH! SANJI!" Luffy suddenly screeched. "STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING HIM!"

Zolo was crippled with laughter, but everyone else preoccupied in busily making sure no flakes from whatever-it-was would get on their food.

After a moment of scraping at the brittle stuff in his hair, Sanji seemed to have got it at just the right angle and it peeled off. He carefully held it out in front of himself after turning away from everyone.

Immediately he shrieked and shook it off his hand. Luffy dove across the table to catch the glob before it touched the ground, scattering plates of food everywhere and raising angered shouts. "Maggot-creature-worm-thing!" he sobbed in joy after successfully catching it. "You came back! You're alive! You're aliiiiiiiive!" Then he held it up in a theatrical 'Circle of Life' pose, melodramatic tears flowing down his cheeks.

Zolo mocked Sanji, "You scream like a _girl_."

And, those were the swordsman's last words.

Nami wasn't too happy with that comment.


	14. Oops

**Cruddy, Random Story #14 – Oops  
**

"Oh…" Nami sighed. "If only there was somebody that was chivalrous enough to clean the bathroom without me asking." She had made sure that Sanji was the one nearby so he would hear her make this request.

"Nami-swaaan! I will gladly take your request as the chivalrous man I am!"

"Aw, Sanji-kun! Thank you very much!"

"You know that there's really no chivalry behind cleaning a bathroom," Usopp pointed out.

"Be quiet! You don't know anything about _women_," Sanji scoffed.

—

"Okay…" the chef mumbled. "I've got the soap… window cleaner for the mirror… um… bucket… for the soap… Erm..." He had pretty much no idea what he was doing. "Will I, uh, need something else, too?"

Sanji stood in one spot for a moment, pondering.

"Oh! A toilet plunger! Just in ca—No. Women don't clog toilets, and everyone else is too _uncouth_ to use it.

"Except me, of course," he quickly added. ("Sometimes…")

"Okay," he said to psych himself up. "Here… we… _go_."

—

Once Sanji was outside the bathroom, he'd heard water running, but he only figured that it was the plumbing of the toilet at work; after all, it makes that running sound for a while before it finally quiets down after it's flushed.

And, it did. The sound stopped right when he reached for the bathroom door's handle.

Then, he opened the door.

To find Nami inside, staring at him.

She was wearing a towel to cover herself, thankfully.

Sanji wasn't super lucky, though.

"Nami! I'm so sorry! I'll come and clean the bathroom another ti—!"

"EEEEEEEEK!" Nami reached for the nearest solid object that could cause someone pain, and that happened to be a hairbrush.

"Nami-swan! I'll leave immedia—!"

_BONK BONK BONK BONK!_

The Straw Hat Pirate's chef was left unconscious, with many, many lumps on his head.

"Pervert!" Nami shrieked, carefully bunting Sanji's unconscious body out of the bathroom.

* * *

_The origin of this chapter was the beautiful image of Sanji being beaten to death by a hairbrush. :D Okay, so it wasn't the fault of the small container this time around, but writing this chapter was written at just the right spot for it to be the second in..._

_SANJI TORTURE MONTH._

_Yes. Caps lock is needed. (Dripping font too, but I can't do that. v_v)_

_PS: I've got a poll on my profile; I'd love it if some of you guys could vote. :D  
_


	15. Pyramid

**Cruddy, Random Story #15 – Food Pyramid  
**

"Sanji! Oi! What's this thing?"

"Hm?" He glanced over at Luffy; Luffy was going through some old food books that had been in the library, and only to look at the pictures of food so he could be hungry as possible for the next meal. "Oh. That's a food pyramid."

"Why would a food want to be buried in an oversized triangle?"

"Pfft," Sanji scoffed. "You really don't know anything about it, do you?"

"Nope. First time I've heard of it."

"Well, the stuff on the bottom, bread, is what you get the most servings of, because that has the longest section."

"Okay…"

"The next groups up get around the same amount – they're the fruits and vegetables."

"Okay…"

"Then there's the dairy section and meat—"

"_There's a meat section?_"

"Yeah. Anyways, above those is the fats and oils group; you get the least of those because those are the unhealthiest."

"Wait, is this about health?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"…That's boring."

"Yeah. So… each section says how many servings you get off to the side of it. Want to add those numbers up?"

"Sure!"

Sanji turned away again. _That should keep him busy for a while…_

Luffy was staring at the picture of the food pyramid, deep in concentration.

—

"Sanji!" Luffy suddenly announced. "I've got it! I've figured out the mystery of the Pyramid!"

"Eh? What mystery?"

"It's a Mystery Pyramid!" Luffy beamed, thinking about how much his IQ must have gone up from that one statement. (He learned about 'IQ' from Usopp – it stands for 'I'm Quacking', and smart people quack more.)

"It's… it's really not…"

"Then how do you explain the forty-two servings of food, _huuuuh?_" Now Luffy's IQ was _sky rocketing! _He was sure of it!

"There isn't forty-two servings of _anything_ on there, even combined with all the groups!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, there's eleven servings of bread, four of fruit, five of vegetables, six with dairy and meat combined, and then sixteen of fats and oils!"

"_Sixteen?_ Where'd you get _that_ number!"

"It's at the very top! And, the very top of pyramids are always gold until robbers steal it!"

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"

"So, I'm gonna be needing that many servings of food daily. Okay?"

"No!"

"…But, the Food Peeramin is about health, right?"

"We're rambling, Luffy. We're boring the readers."

Luffy started blankly at Sanji.

Sanji stared back.

"Huh?"

"_HUH?_"

Luffy continued looking confused.

"…Um… anyways…" Sanji mumbled. "Sure. I'll give you that much. Tomorrow. Just so you can try out the 'food pyramid'. Sound good?"

"Yeah!"

—

The next day, Luffy bounded into the kitchen, awaiting 'Food Pyramid Day'.

"Sanji!" he called into the kitchen, the smells of breakfast already floating about. "I'm ready to eat my Food Pyramid!"

"Yup!" Sanji answered. "I have it all ready for you."

"Woohoo!" The captain took several large leaps over to where Sanji was – Sanji had been working on preparing an oversized sandwich along with breakfast for the rest of the crew. "Woooaaaahh! Is that for _me?_"

There were several slices of bread making the sandwich, each separating a new layer.

"Yup," Sanji nodded. "Ten slices of bread, and there's every serving of vegetables, dairy – that would be the cheese – and meat on there, too." He picked up the plate to set it on the table.

"Cool!"

"Oh, and I sliced up a pineapple and put it on the side for the fruit."

"Yay! Thanks so much, Sanji!"

Luffy grabbed the plate right out of Sanji's hand. Then he shoved it down his rubber throat, sandwich first, pineapple falling in after it, and plate last. Shaggy and Scooby style.

And, he started choking.

"Luffy! You _idiot!_" Sanji yelled, kicking Luffy in the back. "Spit it up before you die! You didn't even take a chance to _taste_ it! Did! You!" He annunciated the last two words with a strong kick. "Spit! It! UP!"

Luffy gagged and then spat out the plate, but the rest was already in his stomach.

"Phew…" Luffy sighed. "The Food Pyramid's exciting!"

"No it's not!"

"Well, I'll be back for more pyramid food later! Thanks, Sanji!" Luffy waved to him on his way out of the kitchen, with a wide smile.

—

Dinnertime.

Luffy was sitting in the dining room with everyone else, starving again. What reason did he have to _not_ be? He hadn't eaten all day; Sanji had refused to give him a snack or lunch that afternoon.

"Saaaaaaaaaaaanjiiii!" Luffy shouted over the conversations at table. "I'm ready for more peer-rye-min foooood!"

"You've already cleared out the food pyramid, Luffy."

"What! But, there's _eleven_ servings of bread in it! Isn't there?"

Chopper piped up, "Yes, there's eleven, but that's one of the older—"

"See!" Luffy interrupted. "Eleven! Not _ten!_ Duh, Sanji, duh."

"Geez! Alright, already! I'll give you the last serving of bread!"

"Curly-bro, what's Luffy going on about?" Franky asked.

"Oh, he's trying out a food pyramid diet."

Luffy's jaw dropped. "It's a _diet? _No wonder I'm dying! It's just 'die' with a 'tee' added on to make it fan-_seeeeeee_!" he wailed.

"What exactly would make a word 'fancy'?" Robin inquired, mildly amused.

"A tee or kyoo added in."

She chuckled.

"Sanjiiiii!" Luffy yelled again. "I want my last serving of breeeeeeaaaadd!"

"Fine! If it'll make you be _quiet!_" Sanji stormed over into the kitchen and picked out a single slice of bread from the breadbasket; one of the heels of a loaf, nonetheless.

"_Enjoy!_" He chucked the piece of bread at Luffy's face, smacking him square in the nose.

"Is this it?" Luffy stammered, pulling the bread off his face and looking at it morosely.

"Yes. That's a serving of bread right there," Sanji grinded out.

"Bu-but… Sanji! This isn't a pyramid food!"

Sanji sighed. "Luffy, there's no such thing as 'pyramid food'; there's only food that is _mentioned_ on the food pyramid."

"Sanji?"

"What?"

"Sanji?"

"What?"

"My toes are bony."

"DON'T START THAT CRAP AGAIN!"

* * *

_So, I added a _Garfield_ joke in. (The 'diet' thing.) Shame on me. -is ashamed- v_v -not really-_

_Anyways, be sure to submit your vote for the poll if you haven't already! :D_


	16. Sir

_Another chapter where I have no idea. :D Yay for random! -applause applause-_

_Oh, and before anyone flames this chapter for almost completely throwing away the series' timeline, I'm just gonna say this is a slight AU. :P (And... Really? No flames on this fic yet? I'm very surprised. xD)  
_

_

* * *

_**Cruddy, Random Story #16 – Please, Kind Sir  
**

Nami was mumbling to herself – _everything_ in the city was overpriced. The prices matched the grey, cloudy weather; apparently it was always like that. It was a wonder that anybody got by, save the merchants themselves and maybe some farmers that grew their own food.

"Ridiculous," she growled. "Barbaric. I can't waste a single berry on these cheapskates. I'll go and find a different place, then." She wondered if there was a nearby town that was any kinder on a traveler's wallet.

"P-please, kind sir, can you spare some money?"

Nami looked over to her left; a small boy was begging for money. He had hardly decent clothes on. They were more like hastily stitched together rags, if anything.

"Oh…" She glanced at her wallet and then at the boy.

"Please? I need some food, sir."

Slowly, Nami opened the wallet… took out a one thousand berry bill… and then shakily placed it into the boy's hand.

"Oh, thank you so much, sir! I'll remember this forever!" His eyes were sparkling with admiration and gratefulness.

"Yeah, sure thing," Nami said in a wavering voice. "Just, please, for women it's 'ma'am' or 'Madame'."

"Yes, ma'am!"

She walked off, mumbling, "Now what can I buy with what I have left…? And, I can't believe I was just called 'sir'…"

_Alternate Ending_

"P-please, kind sir, can you spare some money?"

"_I'm not a 'sir'!_" Her fist flew out and punched the boy square in the face.

The boy was sprawled on the street, shocked.

Sanji was walking by to give Nami a treat (excessively expensive…) that he'd just bought when he saw the scene. "N-Nami! What did you just—"

Nami turned around and looked Sanji square in the face.

A large, bushy brown moustache was growing under 'her' nose, and a five o'clock shadow was on 'her' chin, too.

"GAH! KAMBAKKA QUEENDOM!" Sanji covered his face and was frozen to the spot, cowering and whimpering – he was being flooded by terrible memories.

The _real_ Nami walked by at that moment, grumbling about the prices at a store she'd just visited, when she saw Sanji, who was completely stiff. "Sanji-kun…? What—"

He pointed a rigid arm at the man standing in front of him.

"_Oh my gosh! Sanji-kun! _RUN!"

And, they did.

Another passerby slipped the small child a one thousand berry bill before continuing on his way a second later.

"Thank you forever, kind sir!"

…

…

**_Spaz out!_**

And, random Thriller-like dancing ensued.


End file.
